YouAreHereAtJen's.

We are funny creatures

2008-02-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

So in talking with a friend today about her eating plan in addition to a strange occurrence last night, I've been pondering why we are so weird about food. Said friend made the remark that food is now an obsession and it's something mentioned at 3FC a lot as well. The maintainers will always argue that it may be an "obsession" to some people, but to us it's just a way of life. If taking control of your weight and health is an obsession, so be it.

There are always those stories on 3fc about how people are always remarking on someone's food and this is prevalent when you are overweight or thin. Actually, perhaps people talked about my eating when I was obese, but they say it to my face now. Only now it doesn't bother me. I also have very strong opinions about food and our society in general. I'm surprised I haven't gone vegan sooner, actually. And here is my friend, a person with very different taste buds than me, and we can never agree on what she should eat as part of her plan. But she found something that is working for her and I have to appreciate that.

But we're getting off topic.

I was at a friend's gig last night and had a true realization. A girl whom I hadn't seen since the day we graduated from high school (I was pushing 200 lbs) was there at the bar. I don't recall her being mean or anything (in fact she seemed pretty nice). The crowd she ran with though is another story. They were the stuck up crowd- too good for anyone on the bottom rungs of the high school hierarchy. Therefor she was guilty by association.

So we had a great time catching up and talking about people we went to school with, where we were in life... we exchanged numbers and I would accept the call if she called me.

But every few minutes during our conversation, she made some degrading comment about herself and her weight. She put on weight since high school because she filled out. She grew out of her lanky teenage body (oh how I would have killed for one of those. She's quite lovely, and not overweight. Just a WOMAN.

"GOD I've turned into such a fatass".

"I'm so embarrassed by how much weight I've gained".

"Well, I guess by having a beer I'm giving up dinner. I've got to do SOMETHING".

I don't know what possessed her, if it was insecurity or some fucked up form of flattery, but I'm guessing the former. My mere presence exacerbated her most felt flaw. And in a way, it kind of pissed me off.

I used to HATE my body. I convinced myself to hate it. Others shamed me for it. I was scrutinized for what I ate and constantly judged (ahhhh, high school). I couldn't wear cool clothes and couldn't run a mile. I was never asked to a dance. Serious health problems were overlooked because of it.

I was obese.

And you are speaking in a sad self deprecating manner because you simply filled out?

It just showed me that we all have our hangups. There is no "minimum weight" allowance for being insecure. And I'm getting a little more than tired of this validation process that women continue to put each other through whether we need to commiserate over losing 10 pounds or 200. I sometimes forget that it wasn't being fat that made me disappointed with myself. It was the constant feeling of being a failure and totally helpless because I couldn't get a grip on it.

FINALLY!

2008-02-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

I am finally losing! After going back and forth between total frustration (and mild complacency) and trying to find "the combination", I have FOUND IT.

It's called, "Eat To Live" by Joel Fuhrman.

I was in Houston hanging out with my dad over the weekend and was able to finally sit down and read it. I also had the benefit of being able to pick my dad's brain about food stuff (my dad has a wall in his office devoted to vegetarian cooking, healthy eating, and "food news" (China Study, E2L, etc...).

So after getting in at 7:30 on sunday morning and promptly going to Boulder for the shoot (and the resulting disaster involving white bread and ham, mac & cheese and fried chicken), I made a decision.

Huh. The above sounds a lot like when I had my epiphany 4 years ago. I was laid up on my couch with a shattered ankle, obese, depressed, and FED UP. I ordered chinese and when it was gone I decided that ENOUGH was ENOUGH. And there it was. I changed my life.

So I have another one of these moments... I feel like crap. I've blown the past 2 weeks of faithfully working out and I decided it just wasn't worth it. I want to lose 20 pounds, dammit and I'm not going to do it by cheat days or "fudging" just a little bit during the day.

I know people bemoan the "all or nothing" mentality, but it seriously works for me. I can't just have one donut or I'll eat the whole box.

So E2L gives me a plan. It removes a LOT, which I've found isn't much in the scheme of the foods I truly love and know give me the best nourishment.

It's vegan.

So all week I've been eating a mix of veggies (LOTS of veggies), fruit (LOTS of fruit-yay!) and legumes and soy (tofu, soymilk, edamame, etc...). I'm sated and feel nothing short of amazing.

I weighed in at 147.7 last Thursday.

This morning I am at 143.

It's curing what ails me.

Wednesday

2008-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

This week has been ok. I had an "incident" involving some bagels on Monday, but we've moved on.

I was occupied all day Saturday coordinating a film shoot... I was literally running up and down inclined hallways all day. My legs are STILL sore from it. Not to mention that was where all the bagels came from... I have gotten into the habit of grabbing a scone/mini muffin/mini brownie/granola bar/bagel, blah blah blah, taking a small bite and tossing it in th trash on my way out.... because, you know, ONE little bite won't hurt me. Well, so many little bites will.

Last night was the first night I could get to the gym this week. When the weather gets bad, my commutes last around 3 hours and there has been no shortage of that. I did get to swim last night- 30 on the elliptical (so happy to have you back in my life Mr. Elliptical machine!) and 25 minutes of laps. My body is adjusting to it's new workload... Last week I would be sitting at my desk and my arms would suddenly get so incredibly tired.

Also, no minor feat, it is 3:30 and I have not so much as touched the following, even though it towers over me like some refined carbohydrate inferno...

-bagels
-granola bars
-chips

As long as I can get over this 3 o'clock slump, I think I am in pretty good shape!

About time

2008-02-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

Did another round of swimming and elliptical last night... I slept all the way home on the bus from Boulder and had to keep working when I got home (big shoot this weekend). There is no reason why I should have had the energy to make it to the gym at 8:30, but I did. Typically, when you get home you stay home, but I'm finding that having a gym close to home (and that's a wonderful place to go) bodes pretty well. I can come home, make some dinner, watch some tv and still make it to the gym and back at a decent hour. And I'm also really enjoying swimming. My body is tied (especially my arms), but I have an increased sense of wellness and "ohm", if you will. Also, the awful TOM/new workout routine bloat is GONE and though I'm probably not, I feel 10 pounds lighter. We'll find out when I weigh in tomorrow morning.

My remaining issue continues to be this snacking business. I have (at least this week) been relying on easy to grab lunch stuff (tuna kits, soup, avocado, etc...) and not putting a lot of effort into what I normally eat (mainly veggies). This has left a sort of void in my menus, which is where grabbing a granola bar or (EEK!) a 100 calorie snack pack of chex.

So, next week is a new week. I will plan to plan!

Soooooo tired. Good tired.

2008-01-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

UGH. It's ironic that I responded to Jaime's post confronting this very issue saying, "don't worry, it's temporary and completely ok" and here I am, FREAKING OUT because the scale shows a 4 pound GAIN since I started this workout regiment. I know better. The thing is though, that maybe I need to more carefully scrutinize what I eat. I have a tendency to "sneak" stuff throughout the day- half a granola bar here, a 100 calorie pack there. It's not gut busting stuff and I pack plenty of healthy stuff, but it adds up. Also, I have had some ridiculously ravenous days where my stomach HURTS I'm so hungry.

When I do that, I can gauge how much trouble I will be in scale-wise, but I've thrown a new variable into the mix...Changing my so-so, barely acceptable workout schedule to my consistent, fail proof routine has seriously rocked my world. And my pants don't even fit better! I just feel BEEFY!

But my plan is in place. I will give it a couple of weeks, see how it goes. I do have to say, I got some resistance bands for Christmas from Ross (Shout out to Ross!) and my arms have NEVER looked better.

Yesterday was not bad eating and workout wise. I walked all over catching buses and traipsing across campus, and then did 30 minutes on the elliptical and swam laps for 25. My body is tired and it's a GOOD tired. It's been too long.

Moving along....

2008-01-25T10:04:00.000-08:00

Night 2 at the gym last night. Even though I go to R's gym in Golden on the weekends, do tae bo at home and run when the weather cooperates, it's a totally different story when I have my own gym, close to home. I feel committed to the cause, so to speak.

Crazy busy today prepping for our vip party on Monday, but I have packed protein and will be out and about, so hopefully NO SNACKING! I have my tea, my carrots, my tuna, and I'm ready to spend an exciting Friday night at the gym.

The Turning Point

2008-01-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

We joined a gym last night AND we worked out! It had been such a nightmare trying to work out. It's been cold cold cold, we have to get home to the dog, not to mention that Ross is technically the only one of us with an actual membership, which is in a completely different town.

So, we joined the Y, close to home. We got home last night, watched some bad TV, ate dinner, did some wedding stuff, walked the dog and then went to the gym. It's nice to be able to not have working out consume what little of your day you have to yourself (not that I mind working out, but when most of your evening is spent getting ready and driving to the gym...)

I feel better already.

Not consistently working out definitely affects me and not in a good way. I feel sluggish, I don't eat as well, and I always feel a little "sickly".

But today is the turning point. When I met Ross, we were both gym rats and I would go so far to say that we "dated" at the gym. It sounds pathetic, but we looked pretty damn good.

Please do not put chocolate/bagels/chips/cookies/doughnuts directly in front of the former fat girl.

2008-01-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

Sounds easy enough, right? RIGHT?

I work with 7 people in a building big enough to employ 40 or more (it's a production studio) and I have the biggest desk and I'm the person people see first. It's actually this really nice big cherry wood desk/counter that is modeled after the entrance to a movie theater. It actually is the entrance to our high def screening room. Pretty cool. Please note that I'm avoiding the term "reception" because I'm not. I have been and once you are coined "receptionist", people tend to treat you as such (which totally SUCKS from my experience, but story for another time). I do all sorts of fun stuff, mostly related to production and music supervision. And I do make coffee, but only because I'm the newest (and I guess lowest) on the totem pole, but I get an intern in a few days, so, go me.

ANYWAY. I also work with men. Well, except for the accountant, but she's like a guy anyways (which is awesome). And you know, as unfortunate as it is, guys can get away with grazing upon the goodies that arrive here regularly, but I can't. I get that I have to take some personal responsibility here, but it sucks to literally, have it piled up in front of me.

Today was good , though ;)

We ordered a steadycam from Switzerland and they included a big box of Swiss chocolate squares (like, real Swiss chocolate). I had myself an orange chocolate square and it's amazing what some quality chocolate will do to a chocolate craving. I had one square, and no desire to dive into the pile in front of me. It's that satisfying. YUM.

So, aside from the chocolate, I have been on plan today. Ross is out of town for work, so hopefully I will be motivated to actually go TO the gym. Yesterday I managed a 45 minute tae bo/cardio session mixed with working with the resistance bands Ross got me for Christmas. We ate at Whole Foods and I did really well there, too. A cup of lemon/chx/spinach soup (minus the chicken) and a salad with balsamic and tofu and sprouts.

Today it's:
green smoothie (OJ, selter, blueberries, psyllium, spinach)
carrots (raw)
tomato, chive and ff cottage cheese
all natural crunchy peanut butter (2 tsp) w/ small honeycrisp apple

dinner: mushroom/spinach salad and thai noodle soup?

Tuesday

2008-01-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

Could not sleep last night, not to mention I could not work out as planned. Snow + BCS game = no one going anywhere.... However, I do get off early today as I have to run a car out to the airport, so hopefully after a nap I will be good to go. It snowed last night, but it's pretty much dry now, so I may try to make that an outdoor run vs. a gym. I do need to get info on the bikini boot camp that they offer, though. I weighed in a day early... 146. I don't know if that's still water weight as it usually takes a whole week to get back to normal, but I SHOULD know because I SHOULD be weighing consistently. This is what happens to me when I don't. Yeah, that scale doesn't matter, the scale doesn't gauge this that or the other, but numbers are numbers and when I have no accountability on the scale, everything goes straight to hell. Period.

So....Scared.

2008-01-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm TERRIFIED to get on the scale. Absolutely. Terrified. It's not like when you take a test and you think you did poorly, but you actually aced it, or the other way around. If I think I've gained weight, I have. No doubt about it. So instead of continuing down the buffet line, I've set a date. Wednesday is weigh-in day. I got back on plan last week and got in some exercise, but blew the eating over the weekend. I have GOT to get a handle on that. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but TOM came to town and I was nothing short of ravenous.

So, hopefully we'll kill off some of that water weight and my appetite will come down and this week will be nice and clean.

We thought about joining a gym closer to where we live downtown and the Colorado Athletic Club was an obvious choice. (it SUCKS getting to the gym as we live downtown and Ross works in Golden and me in Boulder and I go to his in Golden.) Not to mention getting home at a reasonable hour is necessary now that we have the dog.

We were invited to try it for 5 visits and we learned that $150 essentially pays for the really nice locker room and the privilege of working out on an elliptical that hasn't been wiped down in forever because why on earth should the important corporate crowd have to clean up after themselves?

But damn, those locker rooms are sweet.

So now we are resigned to running when weather permits (better for the dog, too) and working out on the weekends at the gym. I also got some resistance bands for Christmas and OnDemand is still offering Billy Blanks, so that will have to work.

My problem, and perhaps others as well, is that I really have to motivate myself and focus to make a home workout beneficial and to get a good, long, sweat. I had the great advantage of working where I had a nice fitness center when I lost weight, and now I have to get creative. Not to mention I don't want to completely piss off out downstairs neighbor and I HATE working out at home.

What the hell???

2007-12-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I have been back on plan. I've been getting back to a regular workout routine (including running- YAY!). But I'm STUCK at 142. What. The. Hell.

I feel like this maintenance business is some fragile balancing act that will shatter at my feet with the soft touch of a bagel. There must be some component in there I'm not realizing.

i've also decided that, dammit, I'm going to be what I like to call "firm skinny" for my wedding. It takes a lot of work and a lot of strength, but I've gotten by with this superficial and unnecessary layer of flab that weighs about 10-15 pounds. I am content in my normal, every day life between 135 and 140, but there is nothing "everyday" about one's wedding. And this dress will sprout back fat faster than you can say yes to a second helping.

So in accomplishing firm skinny, I'm going to take this verrrrrrrry slow. I seriously woke up one morning and had lost 30 pounds. My body just decided one day that it had had enough. I was able, with complete focus and commitment, to put my life on a relative hold and work my ass off for the remaining 50+ pounds. And because I was so good at it, it didn't take me more than 5 months. I didn't hit major plateaus. I didn't have a bad weekend. Nothing.

This time I'm going to go a different route. I will pace myself through these holidays because routine and consistancy (especially with exercise) is the keeper of my sanity. And I've learned these past few months just how important exercise is. So, sticking to the plan it is. No freaking out over a beer. No excuses for not working out.

I had my first experience at PF Changs over the weekend. It's common knowledge that the Buddha's Feast is the healthy choice on the menu, so I orderd it. I learned that this is compeltely pointless because by default you are required by law to try everything else.
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Funny story today: I was at the lightrail stop downtown today waiting for my train. it's a busy intersection and great for people watching. This man of a "special" disposition if you know what I mean walks by me. Suddenly, he stops, bends over, picks up a Cheeto off the ground and EATS IT.

the kicker: he was holding in his hand an unopened bag of Cheetos.

Again, I ask, what the hell.

day 3

2007-11-13T11:18:00.001-08:00

Billy Blanks is officially the King Of Pain. It has been a while since I've had a workout that has worked muscle groups I didn't even know existed. Everything has been good- I'm eating well and working out and the fog I've been in is lifting. Haven't lost a damn pound, but it has only been a week. Poo.

Monday Morning

2007-11-12T06:53:00.000-08:00

Goo morning!

I need to remember what this feels like- that wonderful feeling of "awakeness" you get when you work out first thing in the morning. What a way to start the day!

I crawled out of bed with the intention of running, but took a look at the dreary weather and decided against it. I started scrolling through the Exercise section of OnDemand and decided on Billy Blanks. So 3 15 minute sections- that should do it. Lauren always raves about him, so why not?

I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that a very large black man coming through the television in a boming voice telling you to "SHAKE IT TILL YA MAKE IT"- but I was sweating. A lot.

On to the rest of the day...

Time to repent.

2007-11-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

In honor of a thread on 3FC "Where do you see yourself January 1, 2008?" I've decided that ignoring the ever increasing snugness of my jeans and the fact that I walk around much of the time in a zombie-like daze is leading to potential disaster for the new year. I've been doing this maintenance thing for over 3 years now, which means I'm over the halfway point to that mystical mark for weight loss maintainers of 5 years. I told myself if I could make it to five years perhaps my self imposed stigma of fat girl would be removed. Perhaps all those years of being overweight/obese would fade into a distant memory.

That remains to be seen, of course, and I realize it's somewhat dillusional thinking, but in the meantime, I've set up a somewhat new challenge for myself:

Get throught he holidays while not just maintaining, but dropping back down to a comfortable level.

In Nashville, what could have been a maintenance nightmare actually turned out to be perhaps the most healthy 2 months of my life. My super granola roommates and my uber health conscious friend Molly provided a house stocked with locally gorwn produce and an all-organic pantry as well as a workout buddy. I ran more than I ever have in my life. I had a southern tan (and a slight drawl to match).

While my circumstances are different: it's winter, I HATE running in the smoggy, high altitude city, and I am living with a guy who sometimes coerces me into mac n' cheese with turkey franks (something my hippy roommates would gasp at, God love them), I can certainly pull this off.

Eating: eating lately has been relatively good given the circumstances (lots of company). Being back in an office setting hasn't spelled doom (except the bagel dabacle) and my water and plain tea intake has been great.

Exercise: this is my problem. All summer my metabolism was pretty maxed out and now that I can't make it to the gym very often, I don't think I've adjusted my eating accordingly... ok, I KNOW I haven't.

So here it is.

I have got to get the gym. Even if it's only the school gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the one on Golden on Saturdays. My brisk 30 minutes walks at lunch at work will suffice as will some jaunts with the dog.

Weekend eating. With the holidays approaching, going nuts on the weekends isn't going to work. It's time to chill out. And ease up on the liquor, too.

All in all, it's pretty simple and straight foward. Plan accordingly and get my ass moving (the big one). Today I have packed my food so by the time I make it to class from work I won't be ravenous. After school I have a trip to the gym and a long walk with the dog. Tonight: get enough sleep!!!!!

biiiiiiig sigh....

2007-09-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

So it's a new semester and as late nights become more frequent, I will be posting more. I miss it. It's good and cathartic and takes the edge off things...

The cause for this late night is grading freshman Music Business exams. People, people, people. It doesn't help that the professor is dyslexic and in a constant state of worry over writing an entire exam backwards, upside down letters and all.

It's good for me. This is basic stuff I'm prone to forget and will always need to know. It's these budding tour managers/rock stars/entertainment lawyers/publishers that keeps me up at night. Yes, my dear freshman, you picked a somewhat glamorous major, but 99% of you are fooling yourselves into thinking that becoming the next big thing requires that you only sit around in Denver, CO and wait... As I've learned (and, I'm sorry to say, Dr. Phil says), you can't hit the ball unless you swing the bat. Also, while copyright basics aren't exciting (I beg to differ), you should learn them- or become very afraid of the RIAA.

AND PLEASE LEARN BASIC SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND GRAMMAR. This isn't an email to your friend at CSU, it's like, colllllllege.

Anyway, it's been kind of a bad day. My only moment of light was the fact that I made it to the gym- a small, but important victory. My carb cutting is going well. Weekends are a major struggle as Fall kicks into gear and the football season comes into play. Also, when Ross and I get the "blahs" together, it's all that more likely that we'll go down in a blaze of peanut butter M&M's. However, ever since we got our dog I've had no excuse to not get outside. And there is a gym right on campus, so I don't have a choice there.

We are in love. Our dog is a ball of affection and energy and as long as we obey his need to exercise, he obeys my need to not have him chew on my running shoes. He is a blue heeler/cattle dog named Dax and people can't help but comment on how striking he is. He's one of those "cool" dogs that should have a bandana, but instead has a Nebraska Cornhusker collar.

Anyway, I'm going to start commuting up to Boulder a couple days a week to work at a film studio. It's only temporary, but with a wedding looming I'm looking foward to the extra cash. I just worry that it's going to be another calorie bomb office like the grammys were.

Oh, how I miss Nashville. It was nice to run away for a couple of months and try on a different (and certainly more glamorous!) life, but I am glad to be home. And we've been in engagement bliss ever since. It certainly opened my eyes to Denver's shortcomings and there is so much to consider over the next few months...

So. Things to get a handle on:
-Weekend eating (it's ok to relax, but for God's sake woman, don't go crazy!)
-Get back into running. The elliptical has become quite the crutch, as is making a leash-perfect dog.
-I'm sure there's more, but those are the biggies...

From the desk of the future Mrs. Johnson...

2007-07-28T20:01:00.001-07:00

We're engaged! Ross proposed on Monday night and it couldn't have been more perfect.

We were staying in Glenwood for the night as he had a job about 2 hours away (5 hours from home), so we stayed at the Hotel Denver for the night. Well, he didn't get back to the hotel until about 1130 pm so I was hanging out with Shanti on the shore of the Colorado drinking beer and just enjoying the mini-break.

As the night wore on, I considered walking over to the Hotel Colorado to kill some time. The Hotel Colorado is this BEAUTIFUL hotel in the middle of Glenwood Springs. It's big and luxurious and victorian and it's where I had all of my proms and homecomings and my mom used to take me there when I was little for shirley temples.

It's also where I always dreamed of getting married and Ross knows that this little detail is just part of the package.

So anyway, I thought about walking over there because it was a beautiful night and the courtyard is just gorgeous, but decided to just wait for Ross. I'm glad I waited.

Ross got back and "agreed" to walk over there with me, even though it was so late.

So we walk over the bridge and up the steps to the courtyard and I see this little table set up that's covered with white votives and 2 vases of white roses. Like an idiot, I say, "Look! It looks left over from a wedding!" to which Ross just said, "no" and led me over to the table where he proposed!!! i can't believe he actually pulled it off! It was just after midnight and we were the only ones around (except for the event coordinator who helped him plan it).

I couldn't dream it up if I tried.

Back in the saddle again

2007-07-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am no longer a Grammy intern and I'm blue.

I arrived home last Sunday, a week ahead of schedule. I had completed my hours and my projects were wrapped up and even though I had a phenomenal time in Nashville, I could no longer financially justify staying there.

So, the summer in a nutshell:
- both inernships were a stunning success. Arrived home with fabulous recommendations and job offers upon graduation.
-completed some interesting projects, stuff I never ever imagined doing.
-didn't meet a lot of famous people, but met a lot of very powerful people.
-made some incredible friends. The girls of Nashville are simply the best.
-my roommates: an overall nice lesbian couple who failed to tell just how environmentally strict they were, leaving me to develop a very close relationship with every fruitfly in Tennessee. Is that BO I smell? But yes, a lovely couple who live completely on the fringe and who taught me a thing or two about saving the planet.
- I ran. A LOT. Between the running and the wonderful food my roomates lavished on me, I arrived home with a body that's the strongest it has been in my entire life. Gained 4 pounds, but went down a size.
-You should see my tan. It's a sight.

So now I'm in this limbo time where I'm not in school just yet and my internship is over and I'm just incredibly bored. I can't run because A) after living in a quiet, quaint, hilly neighborhood, coming home to a depressingly urban setting makes running damn near terrifying B) I got too comfy running at sea level and C) It's damn hot. Damn hot. Also, I got pretty used to having a core group of girlfriends available at every turn and being back with Ross is wonderful, but we all need our girls, you know?

Speaking of which, Ross and I are better than ever. 10 weeks away from home having the time of my life could have destroyed our relationship, but he was on my mind constantly. It was hard not to have him around and I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm glad I did. I think Ross is too, if only because he thinks I will make a ton of money someday ;)

I didn't blog at all over the summer because I had to keep a daily blog for my internship and it would've been a lot to juggle.

Things are getting back to normal, though. I'm walking a lot and have dropped a few pounds even since I've been home (save for this past weekend) and am cutting my carbs a bit to try something new.

I need a vacation from my vacation

2007-06-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Blech. For a week straight between Nashville and Chicago and Ross and my family, it seemed as though one meal flowed right into the next. It was all delicious and the wine was even more delicious, but here's some perspective on how much I really consumed... I bought this fabulous pair of black slacks for the GRAMMY board meeting and they were quite loose in the store. Fast foward to the meeting and they were TIGHT. And it wasn't like I was eating crap food all day everday, but I don't eat 3 regular meals a day. I kinda just graze and have one regular meal and the rest are snacks. This was 3 real (and delicious) meals a day at restauraunts. And I got one run in, thanks to the lack of cooperation from mother nature.

And then the Office Gods stuck me down my firstday back. It always seems that when I get back from wandering off plan, it always gets delayed a day or two for some reason. I showed up at work and of course we had a fabulous catered breakfast with all the trimmings: eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy and hasbrowns and fruit. I did a good job of just not going near it (I had already had my breakfast smoothie) and staying busy until someone nominated me to wrap it all up at the end. It was hard, but I set aside a plate of fruit and a little scrambled egg.

But then it was someone's birthday. And they brought in cake.

Yeah, I had a piece.

And then there was a movie with popcorn.

I know, it's really not bad, but it was still kinda disheartening because I so wanted everything to be back to normal. I just wanted to eat my food prepared in my kitchen.

But yesterday was good and today is going well and so it is- back to normal. I haven't been running and haven't even tried to convince myself to do so. I was overtraining and my body was definitely trying to tell me to slow it down so I will be taking it easy for a bit.
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Chicago was good. My over-zealous uncle was on his best behavior and we all got along very well. It's funny how much easier time I have with people when things are going my way- fabulous boyfriend, great body, glamorous internship... I'm sure that has just as much to do with my approach to the world as the world's perception of me. It was a good time, nonetheless.

I came home to an empty house- my crazy roommates are at this Quaker commune thing for the week and Ross flew out on Wednesday morning.... I have that awful lonely feeling I had when I first got here. I had gotten used to being with my own and Ross being in town just spoiled me so I miss him all over again.

Crazytown

2007-05-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Nashville is my kind of place. The people here are phenomenal. There exists such a thing as manners. I am having a blast. I have a desk, a big window that overlooks a recording studio and an endless supply of Diet Coke, water, and hot coffee. So far, so good. Ross may have to come out here to physically drag my ass back to Colorado (if I can't talk him into staying!)
I have lost 4 pounds since my arrival. I have been running everyday and have been eating nothing but good things, thanks in part to my super granola roommates and have detoxed from my increasingly serious sugar addiction ;)

My friend Molly lives here and is a natural athlete. After the near death experience of running with her, she mentioned how she ran "a little cross-country in college". Thanks, girl....We are going to take some tennis lessons together. I just can't get over how pretty it is here and I just want to be outside at all times. People roll their eyes when I comment on how lovely I find it here and say, "Yeah right, miss Colorado", but it's certainly not comparable beauty. I certainly didn't imagine settling in as well as this...

The job is fabulous. The GRAMMY Nashville Chapter is run by these 6 southern women.... If you've very watched"Designing Women", it's a lot like Sugarbakers. We had our first event on Tuesday and I met some personal heroes of mine as well as an American Idol....watching what happens to those kids is nothing short of tragic and I have a new disdain for everything AI.

DAMMIT

2007-04-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you what. In all of this chaos that's going on right now, I never imagined THIS would be my problem.

Prior to going to Nashville, I sent out a few resumes. One was to my very first choice, a very prestigious music publisher. I didn't hear back.

Until today.

The ink is still drying on my Grammy paperwork when an email shows up in my inbox from the president of the company wanting to discuss me working for them.

Isn't that a son of a bitch?

Ross says he has no sympathy whatsoever and my ego is officially too big to fit through the door. I'm more upset because I wanted so desperately to see how an operation like that functioned. Don't get me wrong, the more I learned about the recording academy the more I wanted to work for them, but still...

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I am up a good 7 pounds. They switched my birth control and I swear it came on in now more than 10 minutes. Literally, I woke up the next morning up 4 pounds. I haven't been working out too much (rehabing the knee still) so my appetite has been quite paltry. I then went on a water drinking mission to try to flush it out and now THAT water is sitting there, alas, up 7 pounds. I just don't know what to do about it. This is NOT the condition I wanted to leave for Nashville in.

I did however, get to meet the govenor of Colorado at CU's Research Symposium which featured the label I work for. He's a grabby fellow. Just kidding, he was very nice and a very warm person. It's nice to meet someone you actually voted for.

CONFESSION

2007-04-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just had myself a little stress binge. It wasn't awful, but enough to keep me up with a really upset tummy. It was a big bowl of airpopped popcorn and a big cup of coffee to make me alert at this late hour to complete a test I had no business taking in the first place. I made the popcorn as "study food", something to keep me going- to nibble on as I tackled the project. This did not happen. I just sat there and ate the popcorn and nothing stared at my computer screen because I seriously did not know where to start. I don't think it's that I ate the bowl of popcorn so late at night, but the manner in which I ate it. And reading it, it doesn't sound bad at all. In fact, if my stomach didn't hurt so damn much right now I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. I'm grateful that I have finally after a lifetime of misgivings learned my body's cues- hell, that my body even HAS cues is a miracle to me.

BAD NEWS, Jen.

I think this will be a little easier to move on from, though, because today is Garbage Disposal Monday- that glorious Monday before TOM when I want to eat (and sometimes do) eat everything in sight. I have been doing really well with it, mostly because I'm in school for 6 hours, but I have a 2 hour break and I have NOT YET GONE TO THE CAMPUS FOOD COURT and have managed to look foward to the yummy munchies I pack in my pink lunchbox that Ross got me for Christmas that I love so much. Today it was:

6 small-medium strawberries
string cheese
sliced avocado with lemon, salt, and pepper (one of my favorite foods since early childhood)
carrot/celery sticks

I went for an amazing trail run/hike yeserday. I went off by myself while Ross went out to Green Mountain with his new mountain bike back up towards Red Rocks on a trail I always pass, but have never stopped at. I did about an hour and a half there and then drove to Green mountain and did another 4o minutes there while Ross made one last loop. I hadn't done that mountain (and don't think mountain in standard terms, it's a foothill) since I was 12 and I am not pleased with the motocross track they put in right next to it. The first hike I did was not like last week's. It was uneven, rocky, and hilly (not straight incline, but staggered). There were quite a few mountain bikers that I passed. Why go all the way out there only to have to carry your bike over a bunch of rocks??? I mean, they probably mentioned that in the guidebook you looked in. My only complaint is the deer leg that had obviously been chewed off by some cute little harmless mountain lion and was left hanging on a tree by someone with a really bad sense of humor.

After that, my legs are cooked. Hopefully, if I can get some decent sleep I can head back out again tomorrow. I just want to eat this place up with my sneakers before I leave. I didn't realize, though, that I will in close poximity to the Appalachain Trail, something I've dreamed about since high school (I'm a Copland junky).

Have faith. Have faith. HAVE FAITH. That's what Dolly would say.

2007-03-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

I love Dolly Parton. Such a gem.

I am NOT sleeping well. This is pretty typical when I can't alleviate stress in the best way I know how: by working out. I did, however, dance around my living room for 40 minutes today to Notorious B.I.G, Pat Benetar, and Madonna. Does that count? What if I wasn't wearing a sports bra (or any bra for that matter)? Does it still count?

All in all, it has been a fantastic day. I recieved an email from the Recording Academy (I'm no longer allowed to call it the Grammys). My new boss asked me if I wanted to be their 2007 summer intern. They asked me when I was out there, but it's always nice to have it in writing. What floored me and made me pee my pants a little was the realization that there is in fact, only 1 intern. I'm sure the work is back breaking and plenty of people will be plenty mean to me, but my chest is pretty big right now (and my chest is SO not big normally. Really, I have no boobs). Things are coming together: letters are being written on my behalf ("no, she's not an axe murderer", "yes, she will recieve credit").... I had to meet with the dean of my college to BEG him to let me go. Last year I had a series of events transpire that caused me to lose all focus on my education. When I should have withdrawn I didn't and now there is this giant balck mark on my transcript. I was told yesterday that I do qualify for a transcript adjustment, but my GPA is still in the hole from it. Because of that, I do not meet the requirement for an internship for the university.

But I went anyway. I knew damn well that he could've said "no way", but it's hard to say no to the Recording Academy and I could demonstrate that without that semester, my GPA is great.

Ok. Here's my PSA: There are seemingly insurmountable obstacles in life. Some of them are even your own doing (see above), but you won't conquer a thing if you don't suck it up, take a chance, and BELIEVE. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes you just have to act first and hope the results fall into place.

LEAP, AND THE NET WILL APPEAR (right, Erin?)

Of course, I don't always buy this and it's much easier to believe in situations like this, but give it a shot sometime.

Now dammit, if it would just stop snowing I could go for a run (or at least a walk) and get a decent night's sleep.

Rambling.

2007-03-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

So Ross and I went hiking this morning. It was still a bit wet in some spots because it's Spring (!), but it was warm and dry and all of those things I love about Colorado. I set my watch for 40 minutes up (Ross decided to run, I decided he had lost his mind) and began at a brisk, but steady pace to the top. I didn't make it all the way to the top because I forgot water (totally outsider move, but we had originally planned on going to Red Rocks but it seems the whole of the other 49 states were there). It seemed the small panic in the back of my mind only contributed to my thurst. I ran all the way down. I'm usually too cautious to do it, but something came loose inside today and I just went for it. You run at this really fast pace where it takes little effort from your lungs. You muscles and their memory and balance do all the work and it's like running on a different planet. On my up I was focusing so closely on the trail that I didn't see the herd of 10 or so deer right in front of me. They are super fat this year. Usually they look really thin to me, but the zoning failures of Denver seems to be working in their favor.

On a break, I stopped at this point of overlook where you can see well into the Rockies as well as all of Denver. I literally rolled my eyes and said, "Well, shit". I am really going to miss this place. Only people from other states and the few kids I know that live and breath skiing actually ski. Most people don't realize this. I'm very much a summer Coloradan. The sun, the hiking, the running, the mountains, the river... I much prefer it when it's warm. I liked Nashville just fine... I dunno, maybe it's the humidity.

I'm so happy to be home. I love Frontier Airlines. I have made it a rule to only go to places where Forntier or Jet Blue fly. I don't seem to be very limited on this. They let me hop on an early flight home (I mean, I got the job on the first interview, so I was just wasting money). So after getting in wayyyy early (7 am), the rain and cold kept us inside, a blessing as I needed the rest. I'm also glad to be eating my own food again. It's crazy, someone on 3FC made a thread about that very thing (funny what happens when you put something out there in the world, it actually shows up sometimes). Aside from the ridiuclously inappropriate amount of Jack Daniels the first 2 nights, I was pretty good. But aside from the salads and fresh fruit, it just wasn't the same. I think it's because I had zero part in the process of preparing my food. I find chopping and sauteing (sp?), and deciding what goes with what very calming. I guess it's the involvment of creating something out of many parts. Maybe it's because I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and I'm attracted to the pretty colors.... at this point....

And the winner is....

2007-03-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

I got the internship... with the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (aka: the GRAMMYS).

Just so we're on the same page, let's go over what it is. It isn't really about an awards ceremony. It's not about red carpets. It's really a non-profit organization that provides advocacy for industry people that maintain memberships (hence the term Academy...)- artists, management, engineers, producers,etc... They also do recruiting. They also run the MusicCares program, which is what I want to do. They were the people that were down in Mississippi after Katrina replacing band instruments. They are who you want to know and who knows everybody. Everywhere. It's an opportunity for me to remain in music without selling my soul to the devil. I now get to give back.

The interview was amazing. It's run out of this beautiful row house in Nashville just off of music row. The house is full of air and light and good vibes and feminine touches. It is run mostly by these southern women who love to eat, drink, and be merry. I will fit in, I think. Andie Mcdowell is one of my bosses.

So, all in all, it was a success.

The first day and a half was a disaster food-wise. I cut that out though, after the most horrendous Jack Daniels hangover of my entire life. From then on it was salads with dressing on the side, fruit plates, and egg white omeletts. Since I was at sea level, running felt REALLY good, so I did get to work out. Add on to the hiking and running the week before and I am down 2 pounds. Not bad.

Nashvegas. Woot!

2007-03-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited I can't even bring myself to pack. That would entail dragging the suitcase off the shelf and trying how to arrange 4 days worth of professional attire (which I highly doubt I even have) in this itty bitty box. Now how am I supposed to fit my interview clothes, my evening wear AND my cowboy boots in one suitcase?

Coming from a divorced home and flying back and forth between Colorado and Houston has taught me the do's and don'ts of traveling.

DO be sure to pack fresh undies and your toothbrush in your carry on if you are checking your clothes

DO make sure to have plenty of quarters or a phone card to call your parent to let them know that United has, in fact, lost you and that you will most likely miss your connection but you will call your best friend that lives in Denver to come get you. (this is of course before parents started arming their kids with cell phones at a ridiculously young age).

DON'T wander away from your chaperone- even to go to the bathroom because they are so dumb, that would be the last place they check.

DON'T pack your entire catalogue of Bop and Tigerbeat magazines, CD's, and books. Most likely the businessman next to you won't appreciate you needing to use his tray table to sort it all out. Okay. So maybe you have upgraded from Bop to Rolling Stone, Elle, and Glamour, but the rule still applies. It's just that now the business man wants to buy you a drink (ew).

DO be sure to see if there is an exit row seat available upon arrival.

AND.....

DO be sure to pack an adequate supply of sedatives because after a childhood's worth of airline travel has left you completely intolerant of the general public.

Have a safe trip.
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I went to Glenwood this weekend. I stayed with David and Rita the first night and my mom the next. I managed to get in a run long the Colorado River when I got in to town and a very strenuous hike the next. My quads hurt. My butt hurts. I drank herbal tea, had a slice of mancinelli's pizza and one of my mom's famous root beer floats and visited my high school to check out this new band director. Interesting fellow. He looks like he's twelve. Hangs out way too much with his students. Wears a very large red crucifix around his neck. He's working very hard to build back up the program that has been in shambles since Mr. Pelz, but conifided to me that he's only using this to bide time before grad school. I looked around the band room in all of it's disarray: the smell of mold, motivational quotes scrawled on printer paper taped together falling off the walls, broken cases, a band director who doesn't seem to care and it all made me sick to my stomach and wanting that Grammy job more and more.