I hate 20th century classical music.

I don't mean pop or rock n' roll or the very modern stuff. I mean when John Cage sits at a piano picking his nose and calls it music.

I suffered through such a performance last night. There is a whole generation of early 20th century composers who decided that making a song of off notes, giving it titles like, "A sharp where there should be a flat", and having lyrics of nothing but the title of the song would be an obvious choice for a new wave of music simply because it had never been done before. Suddenly, playing a series of wrong notes and slamming your forearms on the board was cutting edge and thrilling and ingenious. There is one problem.

It sounds like someone is actually playing the piano with their forearms. A 3 year old is capable of such "magic"- this pianist only did it in some ridiculous time signature so, alas, a great work of art appears.



Perhaps the great classical geniuses of periods past refrained from such tactics for the sake of their audience. It isn't a "musical" experience, but one that relies on showy displays and loud gestures. They were better than that. They had talent. They created these rules and forms of theory, learned them, and then bent them. And it worked for several hundred years. All of the sudden the rules are thrown out and all recognizable traits of music goes out with it. I'm not saying don't be expressive or compose from the heart, but don't come up with some random idea of sound which borders on just noise and call it a great work of art.

But of course, such is the beauty of art- individual interpretation. This is one of the most important elements of creative expression that should never be silenced and this rant is only a display of that freedom. Perhaps I do need to sit through a performance of a cocky blonde opera singer wearing viking horns and screaming a single note to remind me.

So I was always a little skeptical of the whole "eat more, weigh less" philosphy, as in, I've always been a little fearful of bumping up the calories to promote weightloss. I believe in the whole-foods idea that you should focus on an abundance of natural foods instead of restricting diet food. I would much rather make myself ill eating a whole red cabbage than eat a frozen dinner. But I think there is this little crash dieter deep down inside that gets the best of me. I love to eat and am in a habitual state of panic about overeating. Hell, that's the main reason I have the diet I do. I love complex carbs and get to eat a fair amount of them. But I'm starting to let go of my limits.

I'm giving it a shot and some remarkable things are happening. I feel more balanced. I'm not thinking about maintaining with every bite I take and it has really aleviated some stress. I feel this could work out really well since I do have the appetite and taste for whole and raw foods. It makes it easier to not stress over what I eat and I'm actually sitting a pound below my norm, so we'll see what happens. It would be an absolute shock to me to dip much lower than I am now, but to be at the comfortable weight I am now and have less worry would be a dream to me.

I wonder how unusual it is to fret over things as much as I do. I feel like I'm hanging on to the hope that I can be healthy and "normal" and I have to obssess about it. I know that perseverence and consistency is what will keep me healthy and I have acquired a wealth of knowledge through this process. I am different now and am content with never eating fast food and learning every thing I can about the things I eat, etc... This is my mindset and that in itself is not difficult, yet people think it is impossible. I exercise to maintain my genreal health and I feel good in an active state. But that is my own inward view. In the end I have realized that it is much easier to exist in my state now and put forth this effort rather than go about life miserable in my former skin- unhappy with who I was and in that vicious cycle of being unhappy and doing the very things that got me deeper in the hole.