What??? Do they speak english in What? English, motherfucker.... DO YOU SPEAK IT"

Sorry, Pulp Fiction flashback.


I remember sitting in my advisors office when I was starting school downtown and she said to me, "now, as a former performance major, you probably want to keep up with an ensemble... You know, to keep you straight".

I thought she was joking. Surely, she was joking. You see, my major is a mix of entertainment, copyright, law, publishing , record labels, and LOTS of music classes thrown in. Piece of cake, I thought. In a way it is. In another way, I'm sitting in "advanced" theory classes with people who couldn't count out a 4/4 rhythm to save their lives. They spent hours upon hours in their rooms playing air guitar and learning a few chords, but never bothered to learn the music itself. Never learned to analyze it or to know where it actually comes from. But they are and always willl be the Lords of "Cool".

And we wonder why the industry is in shambles (thank all of those budget cuts in music programs, people).

I never knew how lost and out of place I would feel.

I faced the reality of being a classical major and the grim statistics that would face me upon graduation ( 248 symphony jobs per 11,000 graduates. WTF?). I accepted that I would probably never make enough money to cover the cost of attending a $30,000 music school. I concluded that I love music too much to ever not consider it as a career, but there were many avenues I could take to facilitate my passion as well as my need to eat and be warm. Hell, I even hate performing (I would have to take 2 tables spoons-yes, tablespoons- of wild turkey just to be able to consider wandering onto stage, something I finally got over). So my decision was made and it was pretty easy.

I love the possibilities this degree has brought and will bring me and the subjects are fascinating. I just can't help but be absolutely heartbroken when something that by title represents music, but at times is so far from it.

So, next week, I will wander into a symphony audition. Hopefully, my mad skillz (haha) will cover up the pad job that needs to be done to my Powell. Believe it or not, I have grown to love auditioning. Especially group auditions. They're just so dirty. The put you all in a circle and make you practice in front of one another while you are literally scrutinized in every possible way. One of 2 things happen:

1) You are shitting yourself because you are obviously 10 times worse than anyone else and you now have to play in a small dark room (or better yet, behind a screen with a panel looking down on you).

2) You realize that you have nothing to worry about because you got lucky on a fast passage and you know in five minutes you will be laughing it up in your future professor/director's office.

I've been pretty lucky in this department. I have always walked into an audtion with a natural sense of inferiority, but the outcome always makes my ego obnoxiously huge. A little fear never hurt anyone, right?

So, after my faith and confidence have been shot the past two years by the people who started emo, I'm going to walk into that audition room and get it back. I seriously need the Samual L Jackson confidence in Pulp Fiction, with a wallet that says "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" and all. And then I will get on with my life.