We are funny creatures

So in talking with a friend today about her eating plan in addition to a strange occurrence last night, I've been pondering why we are so weird about food. Said friend made the remark that food is now an obsession and it's something mentioned at 3FC a lot as well. The maintainers will always argue that it may be an "obsession" to some people, but to us it's just a way of life. If taking control of your weight and health is an obsession, so be it.

There are always those stories on 3fc about how people are always remarking on someone's food and this is prevalent when you are overweight or thin. Actually, perhaps people talked about my eating when I was obese, but they say it to my face now. Only now it doesn't bother me. I also have very strong opinions about food and our society in general. I'm surprised I haven't gone vegan sooner, actually. And here is my friend, a person with very different taste buds than me, and we can never agree on what she should eat as part of her plan. But she found something that is working for her and I have to appreciate that.

But we're getting off topic.

I was at a friend's gig last night and had a true realization. A girl whom I hadn't seen since the day we graduated from high school (I was pushing 200 lbs) was there at the bar. I don't recall her being mean or anything (in fact she seemed pretty nice). The crowd she ran with though is another story. They were the stuck up crowd- too good for anyone on the bottom rungs of the high school hierarchy. Therefor she was guilty by association.

So we had a great time catching up and talking about people we went to school with, where we were in life... we exchanged numbers and I would accept the call if she called me.

But every few minutes during our conversation, she made some degrading comment about herself and her weight. She put on weight since high school because she filled out. She grew out of her lanky teenage body (oh how I would have killed for one of those. She's quite lovely, and not overweight. Just a WOMAN.

"GOD I've turned into such a fatass".

"I'm so embarrassed by how much weight I've gained".

"Well, I guess by having a beer I'm giving up dinner. I've got to do SOMETHING".

I don't know what possessed her, if it was insecurity or some fucked up form of flattery, but I'm guessing the former. My mere presence exacerbated her most felt flaw. And in a way, it kind of pissed me off.

I used to HATE my body. I convinced myself to hate it. Others shamed me for it. I was scrutinized for what I ate and constantly judged (ahhhh, high school). I couldn't wear cool clothes and couldn't run a mile. I was never asked to a dance. Serious health problems were overlooked because of it.

I was obese.

And you are speaking in a sad self deprecating manner because you simply filled out?

It just showed me that we all have our hangups. There is no "minimum weight" allowance for being insecure. And I'm getting a little more than tired of this validation process that women continue to put each other through whether we need to commiserate over losing 10 pounds or 200. I sometimes forget that it wasn't being fat that made me disappointed with myself. It was the constant feeling of being a failure and totally helpless because I couldn't get a grip on it.