The Party's Over

Time to get down to business. I'm going to Nashville for interviews at the end of March. I couldn't feel any more cool about this. When I emailed my professor after he offered help in prepping me for the application process, I replied that I would take him up on that when I found "my target", but had been having trouble because it's so hard to find the right people. They will stonewall you into the ground. He then replied with every possible contact known to man with an offer to help get me set up. I think I peed a little.

So in order to get ready, I need to get my shit together. I want to be in great shape for this. I want look and feel my best. I want to have everything I can working in my favor.

I had a completely shitty week last week. I got this "attack" of sorts that the ER determined was acid reflux or gas. I had no idea it could cause you so much pain. I've always had a stomach made of steel, so this was quite a surprise. I spent the better part of the week on mashed potatoes and coke before I tried the OTC meds the nurse reccomended. So now, after a week of sugar and carbs and a few nights of drinking way too much, to my utter horror, the scale broke the ceiling.

My digestive system is now shot and the only saving grace has been the walk/run I've been able to get in.

It's funny, but everyone around me is doing a "juice fast". I would hardly count living off of store bought fruit juice a juice fast, but whatever. After the past week, I'm giving it a shot. I eased into it and am doing well. It's funny, you always hear that you will gain the weight back and then some and I started viewing the weightloss as merely a bonus, but on the last one I did (which was a year ago) I lost 5 pounds and only gained them back recently. Either way, I'm getting hooked on the wrong stuff and I'm a bloated mess, so it's time for the cleanup. So far, so good. I'm down about 4 pounds, which I'm positive is water weight from the sugar and liquor from the weekend, but good riddance regardless. I am starting to feel much better.

The Littlest Birds Sing The Prettiest Songs

Courtesy of The Be Good Tanyas... Check out the song sometime. Beautiful song. It's getting me towards the light today...

Well I feel like an old hobo, I'm sad lonesome and blue I was fair as the summer day

Now the summer days are through

You pass through places

And places pass through you

But you carry 'em with you

On the souls of your travellin' shoes

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly

Wake you up in the mornin' so early

Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues

I got the wanderin' blues

And i'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon

And I'll sing

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

Well it's times like these I feel so small and wild Like the ramblin' footsteps of a wanderin' child

And I'm lonesome as a lonesome whippoorwill

Singin these blues with a warble and a trill

But I'm not too blue to fly

No I'm not too blue to fly cause

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

Well I love you so dearly

I love you so fearlessly

Wake you up in the mornin' so early

Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues I got the wanderin' blues

And I don't wanna leave you I love you through and through

Oh I left my baby on a pretty blue train

And I sang my songs to the cold and the rain I had the wanderin' blues

And I sang those wanderin' blues

And I'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways

One of these days soon

And I'll sing... The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs....

[I don't care if the sun don't shine I don't care if nothin' is mine I don't care if I'm nervous with you I'll do my lovin' in the wintertime] - Syd Barrett

Major setback today. You know when you land in the middle of a financial nightmare and you know you will be ok, but you don't see the light... yeah. It will be ok, but it's a lot more thought than I had hoped to give to money for the next few months. Blech. I had a minor meltdown and it lasted about 5 minutes, but I'm ok now. My appetite is all but depleted, which is ok because I've been consuming tummy-soothing items like mashed potatoes and cola (stomach flu) for the past couple of days and I'm not ready to get back on the hard stuff (salad, etc...) and the thought of eating something soft makes me ill all over again. It's a vicious cycle I have here...

If the wind dies down I will head out on a run. I'm going to push 5 miles today- up to city park, around it and back home again. Pray for me. Ross got me a pink iPod shuffle for V-Day. We both decided that we are pro-Valentine's Day and sure it's a corny greeting card holiday, but you know what? It's another excuse for us to act silly and in love and if I get some chocolate and a card that makes me cry, well, ROCK ON. Even when i was single and thought I would be alone forever I could get caught up in the romance of it all. It's for some, not for others I suppose...

I just wasn't expecting this cute little Shuffle. I am spoiled beyond belief. I know this. I'm ruined forever.... Again, what did I do to deserve all this???

Either way, it's my new best running mate.

Right Wrong, Weak Strong, Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down...

The best Dave Matthews song ever is "Seek Up". This is indisputable (or unidisputable? crap...)

On a side note, I got to hear a track from Kelly Clarkson's first studio attempt (Since You've Been Goooooooooonnnnnnnnne!).... it was kinda cool to be able to pick out all the vocal tracks and listen to them one by one. You know there are 12 different vocal tracks- ALL Kelly's voice? I wonder how long that took them. I was thinking 3, maybe 4. Nope. A dozen.

Pop music. Yikes.

It's snowing and cold. Again. I've actually been running in the freezing temps. I am that desperate. I hate feeling like a schlub. I wanna MOVE. Of course I would be content eating peanut butter m&m's all day, but whatever...

... you will run out to the store late at night to get me peanut butter m&m's because I just have to have them

...you can't resist a single girl who has to move. You have rescued several of my girlfriends.

... when the girls and I have had to much to drink on our night out you will brave downtown traffic and make sure everyone gets home safely.

...you make me laugh to the point of hysterics when I'm taking a shower.

...you are my biggest fan

...you make grocery shopping really fun.

... you humor me when I want to play dress up.

... you give the best hugs, hands down.

... you know just as much- if not more- "Friends" trivia as me... a feat not easily beaten. When I say some random line from "Friends", you know exactly what I'm talking about.

There's more. Lot's more, but this is getting gross.

All-nighter

So my first Audio Production exam will not be taken until Thursday morning (online, no less) I am studying now to make sure I get it all done. Getting a jump on things (the study guide was just put out today) isn't really my style, but the sheer volume of info has turned me into a drooling, stuttering mess. Not to mention I am the fool in charge of compressing and submitting my group's first mix and my computer is acting as though it was built in 1972. So, I wait for my professor's emailed reply in hopes that he is still up (he has 2 year old twin boys and one on the way, I'm sure he sleeps at every available oportunity).

I don't know if it's because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and gooey feelings abound, but I am at a total fucking loss at how on Earth I got so lucky to find Ross. Case and point: I recieved a very encouraging email from my professor offering help in obtaining my dream internship in Nashville. This would require me to spend the majority of my summer there as well as pursue a career path that might unfold. I chose Nashville because it isn't full of tanned orange, silicon injected OC knock-offs like LA and it isn't as big and scary as New York. And quite frankly, I have couches to crash on (read: affordable). It is also up my alley music-wise and I don't want to end up schlepping around the city putting My Chemical Romance posters in every Virgin megastore within a 200 mile radius. I've been there. It isn't pretty. And besides, you can only get by on t-shirts and concert tickets for so long anyhow.

Anyway, back to the case and point. Yikes I got off track.

So I bring this to Ross and I don't even need to finish the thought before the man is on the Nashville Craigslist looking for houses. There wasn't a question in his mind that I would have his full support. Someday I will find a way to thank him for alllowing me to go conifdentally in the direction of my dreams...

We took Puck (the cat) to the vet today. She's nearing 10 and in perfect health. I have avoided taking her in for some time because it forces me to face up to her mortality. She is the perfect cat and everyone knows this. The thought of her not being here makes me instantly burst into tears, like I did when Dr. Feldman calculated her actual age (63). Enough about that, huh?

So, I'm getting fat again. Not like depressed fat, but a fat I can't really identify except that I'm focusing on other things. I eat very well. 5 times a day. More raw than I have been lately. I've been really working on getting some intended exercise in. I have found a nice long and varied running path. I'm woking on strength. I think it's the liquor and the fact that I don't focus on this every waking moment. At the moment, I have better things to worry about. But the alcohol, yeah, I'm going to have to start watching that. I want to be a college student AND in my mid twenties and that is what you call a really bad cocktail mix. So perhaps no more peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate at the top of the Hyatt downtown? No, can't do that. Not as long as it's this cold, anyway. Perhaps I can just live with some moderation.

Oh My......

I have the post-party blues in a big way.

I haven't thrown a party in years and the last

time I threw a big one I was 18, my parents were out of town, the Garfield County Sheriff paid a visit, cars were forgotten in my driveway for days and every once in a blue moon I run into someone who only knows me as "the girl that threw that legendary party in the mountains".

In light of recent revelations, I decided to throw myself a party. It was to celebrate the fact that I am 25, happily unemployed, and still standing upright. I found the perfect place to do it. The Bump & Grind is this AMAZING cafe uptown that has every bright color slapped on the walls, funky tables and chairs, disco balls, every candy under the sun and drag queens. The drag queens were my selling point. And do not tell a soul, but it was DIRT CHEAP to rent. And Ross bought the liquor. My only job was to find a cheap dress and keep a bottle of champagne in my hands at all times.

It was a major success. I was terrified that no one showed up and I must've chased everyone I know around for WEEKS harassing them about whether or not they were coming.

And they came.

And now everytime I talk to anyone that was there, they tell me how what a great party I throw.

I am so doing this next year. If the industry wasn't so oversaturated I would do it exclusively, but that would probably suck all the fun out of it.

So this poses a whole other problem. My only obligation is to school (classes, ensembles, and clubs). I am keeping up with everything without a problem and my only regret is that I didn't suck it up, take out the loans and do this sooner. It took my body months and months to adjust to waking up at 330 am and everything else suffered. Now I fall asleep at midnight, wake up at 730 when Ross leaves and am developing quite the taste for the high life. Well, dammit, it's about time. I just need to not let it turn into making up for lost time. But if anyone asks me out for happy hour in the middle of the week, I'm not exactly inclined to say no. I'm still struggling with my ensemble section and I can't figure out what their problem is with me. Before, sure, I could be a nasty bitch with the rest of them. But now I just show up, make jokes with Tully and Greg (the two to my right) and play for the sheer joy of it...and I shower, which is apparently a foreign concept to some of them...

To points for me today: I mixed my first studio track today (after putting it off for YEARS) and I just got back from a run. Since my body isn't in a constant state of exhaustion (what a luxury), my legs feel stronger than ever. I feel a raw week coming on, perhaps to help filter out the champagne. Tonight I'm going to take an exam and do some strength and pilates.

No Contest.

I love going to court. I imagine after a few more speeding tickets or when they find out what happened at the Mexican border that one time, that will change. The courthouse in Denver is one of my favorite places. It has grand halls and marble as far as the eye can see and I love how the echos carry even the most softest voices from one end to the other. And as long as I only have to go there for a speeding ticket or an assignment, it will stay that way.

There's something else that happens when I go to the courthouse and I can never figure it out. I get asked out by lawyers. Every single time. And I don't dress to the nines or even put on make-up. The first time it happened I was sitting in at the small claims court for a school assignment and on that particular day I looked like the quintesential college student: hair up in a ponytail, frayed slacks (I just can't bring myself to wear jeans in a courthouse), and some tshirt that came out of the <$5 bin at American Eagle or Old Navy. I sat down and the attorney immediately turned around and asked me why I was there. After I told him, I was promptly asked to lunch.

And it happened again today! Not to mention the guy in front of me in line who was there when I spoke with the judge and asked if I needed a ride and I politely declined. Once outside, I saw the brand new Lexus and was tempted to reconsider (it's literally 0 degrees. You dont' even want to know what the wind chill is), but I wasn't stranded on the interstate so I used my better judgment. I told him that I had lost 10 pounds by walking everywhere (which is total crap, but I haven't gained 10 pounds so whatever...)

This is one of those unexplainable phenomenons and I'm curious if this happens to anyone else. When I couldn't possibly be showing any less skin, my hair is a mess, and my slacks are too short revealing my mismatched socks, I get hit on. Not only that, but it's always the professionals and not the random drunk laying in a doorway. Don't get me wrong, it's completely flattering and I can handle being asked out by complete strangers much more gracefully than when I first lost weight and stuttered my way through "no thank you" while wishing I had reconsidered only because I felt bad (even though trying to explain it to Ross would make me feel even worse... "But honey, he just looked so sad". Yeah, I'm sure he would understand...). My only thought is that perhaps a dressed down girl is way less intimidating than one wearing a power suit who isn't afraid to tear your throat out? This is a misconception because a woman who isn't afraid to get wrinkled is way more dangerous.

Thoughts?

So I finally ventured into the campus fitness center. I hope I don't catch some flesh-eating bacteria. But with the way this winter is going, it's going to have to do. I've been turning my attention away from being "thin". I want to look athletic and strong. Scratch that. I want to be athletic and strong. I have no strength whatsoever and I want to change that. I mean, I have muscles and I can see them (and so can others when I have a tan), but I have no idea what to do with them. It's also easier to do at home (yoga, weights, pilates) and it's something new to me as I've never really focused on that before. So let's give it a go.