We are funny creatures

So in talking with a friend today about her eating plan in addition to a strange occurrence last night, I've been pondering why we are so weird about food. Said friend made the remark that food is now an obsession and it's something mentioned at 3FC a lot as well. The maintainers will always argue that it may be an "obsession" to some people, but to us it's just a way of life. If taking control of your weight and health is an obsession, so be it.

There are always those stories on 3fc about how people are always remarking on someone's food and this is prevalent when you are overweight or thin. Actually, perhaps people talked about my eating when I was obese, but they say it to my face now. Only now it doesn't bother me. I also have very strong opinions about food and our society in general. I'm surprised I haven't gone vegan sooner, actually. And here is my friend, a person with very different taste buds than me, and we can never agree on what she should eat as part of her plan. But she found something that is working for her and I have to appreciate that.

But we're getting off topic.

I was at a friend's gig last night and had a true realization. A girl whom I hadn't seen since the day we graduated from high school (I was pushing 200 lbs) was there at the bar. I don't recall her being mean or anything (in fact she seemed pretty nice). The crowd she ran with though is another story. They were the stuck up crowd- too good for anyone on the bottom rungs of the high school hierarchy. Therefor she was guilty by association.

So we had a great time catching up and talking about people we went to school with, where we were in life... we exchanged numbers and I would accept the call if she called me.

But every few minutes during our conversation, she made some degrading comment about herself and her weight. She put on weight since high school because she filled out. She grew out of her lanky teenage body (oh how I would have killed for one of those. She's quite lovely, and not overweight. Just a WOMAN.

"GOD I've turned into such a fatass".

"I'm so embarrassed by how much weight I've gained".

"Well, I guess by having a beer I'm giving up dinner. I've got to do SOMETHING".

I don't know what possessed her, if it was insecurity or some fucked up form of flattery, but I'm guessing the former. My mere presence exacerbated her most felt flaw. And in a way, it kind of pissed me off.

I used to HATE my body. I convinced myself to hate it. Others shamed me for it. I was scrutinized for what I ate and constantly judged (ahhhh, high school). I couldn't wear cool clothes and couldn't run a mile. I was never asked to a dance. Serious health problems were overlooked because of it.

I was obese.

And you are speaking in a sad self deprecating manner because you simply filled out?

It just showed me that we all have our hangups. There is no "minimum weight" allowance for being insecure. And I'm getting a little more than tired of this validation process that women continue to put each other through whether we need to commiserate over losing 10 pounds or 200. I sometimes forget that it wasn't being fat that made me disappointed with myself. It was the constant feeling of being a failure and totally helpless because I couldn't get a grip on it.

FINALLY!

I am finally losing! After going back and forth between total frustration (and mild complacency) and trying to find "the combination", I have FOUND IT.

It's called, "Eat To Live" by Joel Fuhrman.

I was in Houston hanging out with my dad over the weekend and was able to finally sit down and read it. I also had the benefit of being able to pick my dad's brain about food stuff (my dad has a wall in his office devoted to vegetarian cooking, healthy eating, and "food news" (China Study, E2L, etc...).

So after getting in at 7:30 on sunday morning and promptly going to Boulder for the shoot (and the resulting disaster involving white bread and ham, mac & cheese and fried chicken), I made a decision.


Huh. The above sounds a lot like when I had my epiphany 4 years ago. I was laid up on my couch with a shattered ankle, obese, depressed, and FED UP. I ordered chinese and when it was gone I decided that ENOUGH was ENOUGH. And there it was. I changed my life.

So I have another one of these moments... I feel like crap. I've blown the past 2 weeks of faithfully working out and I decided it just wasn't worth it. I want to lose 20 pounds, dammit and I'm not going to do it by cheat days or "fudging" just a little bit during the day.

I know people bemoan the "all or nothing" mentality, but it seriously works for me. I can't just have one donut or I'll eat the whole box.

So E2L gives me a plan. It removes a LOT, which I've found isn't much in the scheme of the foods I truly love and know give me the best nourishment.

It's vegan.

So all week I've been eating a mix of veggies (LOTS of veggies), fruit (LOTS of fruit-yay!) and legumes and soy (tofu, soymilk, edamame, etc...). I'm sated and feel nothing short of amazing.

I weighed in at 147.7 last Thursday.

This morning I am at 143.

It's curing what ails me.

Wednesday

This week has been ok. I had an "incident" involving some bagels on Monday, but we've moved on.

I was occupied all day Saturday coordinating a film shoot... I was literally running up and down inclined hallways all day. My legs are STILL sore from it. Not to mention that was where all the bagels came from... I have gotten into the habit of grabbing a scone/mini muffin/mini brownie/granola bar/bagel, blah blah blah, taking a small bite and tossing it in th trash on my way out.... because, you know, ONE little bite won't hurt me. Well, so many little bites will.

Last night was the first night I could get to the gym this week. When the weather gets bad, my commutes last around 3 hours and there has been no shortage of that. I did get to swim last night- 30 on the elliptical (so happy to have you back in my life Mr. Elliptical machine!) and 25 minutes of laps. My body is adjusting to it's new workload... Last week I would be sitting at my desk and my arms would suddenly get so incredibly tired.

Also, no minor feat, it is 3:30 and I have not so much as touched the following, even though it towers over me like some refined carbohydrate inferno...

-bagels
-granola bars
-chips

As long as I can get over this 3 o'clock slump, I think I am in pretty good shape!

About time

Did another round of swimming and elliptical last night... I slept all the way home on the bus from Boulder and had to keep working when I got home (big shoot this weekend). There is no reason why I should have had the energy to make it to the gym at 8:30, but I did. Typically, when you get home you stay home, but I'm finding that having a gym close to home (and that's a wonderful place to go) bodes pretty well. I can come home, make some dinner, watch some tv and still make it to the gym and back at a decent hour. And I'm also really enjoying swimming. My body is tied (especially my arms), but I have an increased sense of wellness and "ohm", if you will. Also, the awful TOM/new workout routine bloat is GONE and though I'm probably not, I feel 10 pounds lighter. We'll find out when I weigh in tomorrow morning.

My remaining issue continues to be this snacking business. I have (at least this week) been relying on easy to grab lunch stuff (tuna kits, soup, avocado, etc...) and not putting a lot of effort into what I normally eat (mainly veggies). This has left a sort of void in my menus, which is where grabbing a granola bar or (EEK!) a 100 calorie snack pack of chex.

So, next week is a new week. I will plan to plan!