loved and lost...

Listening to on repeat today: Hundred, The Fray

You know that expression that goes something like, "It's supposed to end badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I never thought that was true. Even though in this case it's true, I still think it's a bullshit statement and should be banished from my mind. I hate it that much. BULL. SHIT.

I have these two friends. They are, if you can put a name on them, soulmates. We navigate this planet just trying to get by and have a good time doing so, but we always meet up and form this perfect triangle where all the points come together, never falling short and never overlapping. I have known them longer than I've known anyone. We are all musicians, We were all meant for eachother. It's the kind of friendship you always thought would be there- one that can always be relied upon.

The girl is the free spirit's free spirit. She has never let herself be tied down to anything or anyone. She is one of the truest beauties. In high school, I could be robbing a bank and I knew that as long as I was with her, I would never get caught. Bad things just don't happen to her. She entered the local beauty pageant on a whim- and won. Little hippy. I'm pretty sure she had a joint tucked in the brassiere of her gown. She defines the word "charmed".

But it's catching up to her.

The boy is my musical soul mate. He is much like the girl in the sense that he lives the word "free". But he lives it in a different way. He was born to conquer every mountain in his sights and beyond- literally. He knows no physical bounds. He taught me to climb, navigate through the woods in the pitch black, and take a bong rip. He taught me to let go. For this, I will love him forever.

It's caught up to him several times now.

So the boy moved away to another mountain town in another state. I will miss him, but it's a good thing. His going away party was on Friday. Those Boulder boys that I love more than life itself, who I would trust with my first born, who have always taught me the lay of the land, were there. The boy was there and so was the girl. I have never felt so much love in any given place, until it got ugly.

You see, she likes boys. The boy recognizes this and accepts it, except when it comes to his boys. It's all quite childish and stupid. Well, the girl kissed the boy's friend last time and it was a couple of months until they cleared the air. But they did. Then, on friday night, the girl kissed (and more) another friend- in the boy's room- and that was it. I have never seen him act so enraged. He threw stuff. He got violent.

He hit her.

He hit a GIRL. He hit THE girl. I have never seen a boy hit a girl. And The Boy hit The Girl.

And then it was over. The shield I had been so fooled into thinking would protect us from evil always had dissipated at that very moment. Trust in others is a tricky thing, especially when it is naturally occurring, which to me is ever so rare.

The girl will not speak to the boy ever again (I don't blame her). The boy will not speak to the girl again. He has apologized. I have cried and yelled and have told him over and over and over again that you DON'T HIT GIRLS. EVER.

I wonder if this was always in the cards, if we were just wandering naively through life thinking that no matter what we did we could always meet in the middle. When I was 19 this wouldn't have mattered. Perhaps we have all been hurt by outsiders too much. Perhaps our own behavior caught up to us. Whatever the reason, it's a damn shame. A damn shame.

Singin'- Everything is Everything, Lauryn Hill and Jolene, Ray Lamontagne

So I was looking at my food plan for today on 3FC... I did NOT plan well for work. I was so focused on just getting through my shift that I forgot that I'm offically PMS-ing and unusually hungry throughout the day. My rep didn't show up so I was here by myself fo a while and not sure I was going to get a run in. I felt like crap. Strike that, I felt like shit. Thank God my figure skating and hockey families are Godsends and someone made a coffee run for me. I am eternally grateful, Mr. M, even if you do go over board with the pick-up lines. These people are class though, to offer starbucks every half hour.

So, alas! she showed up and I managed 20 minutes and what a world of difference. I'm golden when I get home at 2, but what to do with the remaining 6.5 hours of my shift...

So I have discovered sunflower sprouts. While I love the basis of a raw diet, the raw diet people scare me. No one should talk about their poop that much. Or mucus. If there is a deepend, the raw foodist community is balancing on the edge of the cliff. Don't get me wrong, I know the benefits, but the poop thing. Yikes.

So back to the sprouts (that was quite a tangent, but sprouts are a popular raw food thing that I don't have much experience with... ANYWAY). I was wandering through Whole Foods and decided to throw a few on my salad. They are wonderful! Very succulent and flavorful and a fabulous compliment to spinach and baby greens. Hell, I could eat them plain. So I've discovered that once sunflower seeds are sprouted and "activated", the fats and protiens change to fatty and amino acids, but still retain some protien and are high in chlorophyll and vitamin rich. Also, they are apparently easy to grow so I might have to give it a shot.

running on fumes

Song: Samba Pa Ti, Santana. If you've never listened to this song all the way through.....

So. I've hit a running plateau. I have gotten up to 35 minutes with 2 or 3 brief stretch breaks. I remember feeling briefly disappointed about that (kinda like a weight loss plateau), but then I realized, "hey. Rome wasn't built in day, so maybe rethink that marathon next week, no?" I experienced a 2 pound gain a couple days ago, but it's almost that TOM and it's gone now so I'm back to maintaining around 134, which is how much I weighed when I met Ross. I'm excited about this weekend, even though I have to work on saturday. I feel like we are getting a fresh start where I don't feel like I'm fighting food all weekend.

I'm starting to get addicted to Sims2. My mom never let me have a Nintendo (which I thank her profusely for in retrospect). A couple of years ago I was back home for a couple of days when she reminded me of this and handed me a bag witha smile on her face. Inside was a Gamecube that had mysteriously appeared in her house. No one has claimed it (not that I can imagine who would leave a Gamecube at my mom's house anyway). I don't know why I'm writing about the SIms2, but I'm starting to play it in my sleep, so perhaps it's time to ease up! It's an easy way to get through the hot summer afternooons when I'm not going outside anyway. ANYWAY....

So Joe Sakic's kid (captain for the Colorado Avalanche) is in one of our camps. He said hello to me this morning. It has only taken him 4 years to get into that habit. Who am I kdding? Guy has a heart of gold. So it is...

Screw the whales! Save the music teachers!

So one of my favorite people called me yesterday and leaves a message that says, "I have some news, not necessarily good and I don't want to leave it on a voicemail". Well, crap.

Apparantly, one of my high school music teachers (there were only 2) went to the doctor to investigate some stomach issues and they found malignancies in her kidneys, intestines, colon, and ovaries. They then rushed her to Denver and she's in that 48 hour make or break period. This woman was FINE a week before!

Backtrack: My OTHER teacher, Mr. Pelz- my mentor, father figure, adversary.... Was ill with some mysterious illness all through my schooling. My sophomore year they finally diagnosed him with non-hodgkins lymphoma. He was in and out of remission for 8 years until he passed away in December (05).

You know that feeling when someone truly incredible dies and you are absolutely heartbroken because now the world is somehow "less"? I was fine at his funeral, but on the plane ride back I realized how much this world was going to miss him and I lost it. I didn't stop crying until Ross and I got to Whole Foods after he had picked me up. This may sound incredibly narcissistic, but I thought I would be crying for my loss- not the world's. That's how incredible he was.

So now it looks I am going to lose my other one. And that's one less music teacher to find those kids that are going to slip through the cracks. One less person to seek out those children whose only escape from feeling insignificant and stupid and fat or whatever is shining through music. It is so very hard to be a music teacher. Even though I've always known that my life would revolve around music, teaching music outside of a private studio was NEVER a consideration. In the case of Dean and Jeannie, they were paid nothing to run all over town teaching music to all 3 schools. Every fall brought the threat of the school board cutting the arts. Music teachers often rely on non traditional methods to teach (it IS art, isn't it?), so they were under a constant microscope from the parents.

Not for all the money in the world.

I didn't understand Mr. Pelz's true goal in teaching until his death. It never hit hit me. On the funeral prgram was his signature quote, "Education is my goal, music is my vehicle".

Whether I realized it or not, it wasn't about being the best musician I could be, but the best human being I could be.

So, parents, I PLEAD with you not to let your children's arts fall by the wayside. Please fight for them. It is a great diservice to their future if you choose not to care. You can't possibly know in advance if it's going to be YOUR child that falls through the cracks, who never found the outside inspiration that only a passion and a teacher can give. I beg of you.

And for anyone who has ever been inspired by one of those crazy art/music/photography/theater department kooks..... Tell them. It's not too late.


Ok. I will step off my soapbox now, but only if you promise to do as I say. Maybe I should shoot for a larger audience on this one, no?

I ran today. 5 days last week and I'm going to shoot for 5 this week. If it's only 4 I will still be satisfied. I'm kinda bummed, though. My stamina is progessing nicely, but I'm having this crippling pain in my right hip/butt. And only when I jog.

I've finally convinced Ross to cut some calories on the weekends. He is one of those subscribers to the "one free day a week" theory. I disagree. While I love pizza and all, I don't crave it once a week, but we always order it on Saturday. That's also when I eat out, so when Monday rolls around I feel like I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN. I would just like to keep up the pace, you know? We'll see how it goes.

So I did something completely out of character this weekend. I ate fast food.

We had left the club where we had been subjected to this louder than the voice of God techno followed by REALLY bad rap (I did some networking, so it wasn't a total loss). Afterwards we were hungry so we headed to Taco Bell. I opted for a Fiesta salad and was horrified at how NASTY it looked. So Ross took me to Wendy's. I got some fries and a junior chesseburger.

How do people eat this? The meat didn't taste real. It literally tasted like a brown piece of dirt soaked in salt. And the fries were so stale I felt I was chewing on tissue. Evn though I can't remember the last fast food I had, I made a vow to NEVER go to those places ever again. Unless it's Sonic and those are for the drinks anyway...

You know what? Fast food pisses me off. The quality is typically so piss-poor that I wonder what can these executives be thinking? It's atrocious how low their standards are. And we keep buying it! My dad is sending me his copy of Fast Food Nation. I'm ready.

Don't get me wrong, as much as I loooooove veggies and raw eating and juicing, I enjoy a good hunk of red meat once in a while. I just don't understand the allure of fast food. I should have taken a picture. It was just one sad looking burger.

The Juicer's Way

In response to some questions I have gotten regarding juice cleanses:

The typical length of one of my juice fasts is between 2 and 7 days. The length of the actual "fast" is 3-4 days. I believe in "the harder they come, the harder they fall", so it's a good idea to ease into it and ease off of it. I have used a "cleansing system" (through GNC) once before, but it was of no use to me. It was basically a mulitvitamin and a fiber pill. I mix up the juices that I use, between homemade juices and Naked juices (www.nakedjuice.com), which are available at most grocery and health food stores. I use the Naked juices primarily for breakfast as I am up too early to be running the juicer (and Ross might take issue with that). My recent favorite is the "Green Machine". It's a green juice that contains 100 mg of spinach and broccoli, but is fruit based (apple, kiwi, banana). It tastes wonderful. The key ingredient for me is the wheatgrass extract, though. It's a FABULOUS detoxifier and has really saved me from being incredibly fatigued by the end of my shift. More on wheatgrass:

"Wheatgrass juice has been proven over many years to benefit people in numerous ways: cleansing the lymph system, building the blood, restoring balance in the body, removing toxic metals from the cells, nourishing the liver and kidneys and restoring vitality. One ounce of wheatgrass juice has the vitamin and mineral equivalent of 2.2 pounds of fresh vegetables. It contains most of the vitamins and minerals needed for human maintenance, including the elusive B12. Many of the benefits of wheatgrass juice stem from the fact that it is a living food, which is a complete protein with about 30 enzymes and is approximately 70% crude chlorophyll. To be effective wheatgrass juice has to be drunk immediately after juicing and, up until now, has not been easy to grow at home in the quantities required for healing, so wheatgrass has not achieved the popularity it deserves. "
-Shirley's Wellness Cafe

In my experience, fruit based juices are much easier to handle than vegetable juices, so I need to pay careful attention so that I don't overdo my sugar intake. Hot sauce has become a must-have for me. I have found an excellent (though somewhat low-maintenance) website that has some pretty decent green/vegetable juice recipes on it: http://www.biosupply.com/juicerecipes.htm

As far as fruit juices go, you might notice that a lot of recipes use apples as a base, even with oranges. Interesting.

My old standby vegetable juice:
pseudo V8:
-handful of baby carrots
-one whole tomato
-5 stalks of celery
-handful and half or so of parsley (yielding 2 tablespoons)
-hot sauce to taste

Fruit juices are different, depending on what I want to get out of the juice nutrient-wise, but one of my favorite things to do is to just throw a bunch of different fruits together to see what I get. It usually turns out pretty good. I don't really focus on how much I'm drinking, though when I'm paying attention I notice that my caloric intake isn't exceptionally low. It's a highly enriched liquid so it fills you up. I typically drink around 3 or 4 a day.

On to the benefits:
There are skeptics out there on the true benefits of juice cleansing. I look at it this way: Your body uses 25% of it's energy in the digesting of food alone. Once your body isn't focusing on digesting food from our culture's typically processed diet (you can process it down to low-fat, low-carbs, low-sugar, but it still has more additives and preservatives than I can certainly pronounce), it can finally start to work on what has been building up. Bizarre things occur when you do this. A lot of people experience "crisis healing", which is your bodies reaction to the release of toxins. This usually happens the second day and can last a couple of days. When Ross did his first juice cleanse, he was stricken with the most horrendous headache of his entire life. I may feel fatigued, but I usually get a little achy. Common reactions are: headaches, skin breakouts, a white tongue, body aches, stuffy ears and lots more. Weird stuff. I make sure to drink lots of water as it expedites the process.

I've noticed that this only lasts for a day or so and by the third day, I'm overwhelmed with well-being and energy. My mood clears up, I sleep better, I'm refreshed and energized. I ease off about the 4th fourth day. I have to be careful because I'm so acutely aware of my tastes and very few things sound good. Avocados, bananas, salads, and other things light in nature have worked really well for me. I definitely don't crave pizza.

I would like to stress that this very different from a water fast. For one thing, while I'm abstaining from solid food, I'm still filling myself with nutrients and calories. Some people do water fasts as the process goes much quicker, but I look at that as a much more spiritually guided experience.

Here are some informative sites have found on the subject of juice cleansing:
http://www.freedomyou.com/fasting_book/juice%20fasting.htm
http://altmedicine.about.com/od/detoxcleansing/a/juice_fasting.htm

I understand the skeptics on the issue. This is definitely something that's viewed in our culture as something on the fringe, but the benefits I have experienced are undeniable.

Regarding juicers: here is what I wrote in a 3FC thread: If you decide to invest in a juicer, best of luck. I was borrowing a friend's for a while that she got from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and it was loud and didn't juice properly. My bf and I ended up buying the Jack Lalanne power juicer and LOVE it. It's big enough so that i'm not chopping everything up and very quiet. I did not get the one off of the infomercial, but from Target (the infomercial one is $200, compared with the scaled-down one at Target, which is $100). If you aren't sure if you would even like the taste of it, borrow one. Chances are you know a ton of people with a juicer sitting in their cabinet that is never used.

Huffin and puffin...

Listening to: Appalachain Spring, Aaron Copland

Had my best run yet today! I went for 40 minutes, plus 15 oustide when I got off of work. I just felt like some sunshine I guess. I had some hip trouble, though. I was surprised that it hadn't started acting up sooner so I'll take it as a good sign. Even though my jog is insanely slow, I can see my endurance and stamina increasing. I was a long holdout on this running thing. My memories of the Mile From Hell during school sends chills up my spine. I remember Erin Shae in "Tales From The Scale" talking about how in gym, all she can remember is being the fat kid behind the fat kid, the kid with the limp, and the asthmatic as well as the disgraced look her gym teacher would give her as everyone was sitting in the grass waiting for her to finish. I can remember that same situation, but with one of the popular girls- with the best of intentions- walking beside me and cheering me on. That was equally embarassing.

I guess that's why I eventually chickened out on doing the Shortcut this summer. Organized physical activity in a place where I always failed at that was a mountain to high to climb... but not anymore. I can see myself coming up on the asthmatic now...

So I found this recipe for a tomato sandwich. I had never heard of such a thing. A sandwich whose main ingredient is tomato? It sounded irresistable. And it was. Miracle whip, a little yellow mustard, one whole tomato, a little red onion and salt and pepper. Mmmmm....

Did my jog. Feel MUCH better. I was told recently that working out in the morning is a more effective stress reliever than working out at night. Well, it is for me. The purge session was much needed as well. I was doing just fine until I realized that I hadn't purchased enough groceries for the week :( I think I got too focused on the chili I made on a rainy and cold Sunday afternoon and didn't look at the bigger picture. I may very well end up living off of vegetable juice (not that V8 crap- imposter!) and popcorn -I've recently started a love affair with popping my own popcorn. The sound of me eating it and the lingering popcorn smell pisses Ross off to no end, but I can't help it.

Do you ever go through food stages? I'm all about the enriched Barilla pasta and popcorn and this weird seltzer water that Safeway makes that tastes JUST like grape soda right now. I must be getting something I need, as I have hit a happy and stable weight.

I might have to hit the store on my way home, though I have no idea what to eat for the rest of the week, not that there's a whole lot left. I should use up the veggies...

Time to get it off my chest. Finally.

Song of the day: Mist, John Butler Trio

So I wake up at 3:45 4 mornings a week. People think I'm nuts. I work with college students (RICH college students) and they make it seem like some Hurculean (is this even a word?) event. You know what? I'm over it. I've conquered my snooze button and moved on. We have one supervisor who will whine in the most melodramtic manner if she has to open her eyes before 10. And everytime I see her I have to hear about how miserable my life must be to have to be up that early. How you couldn't pay her enough. How "you must be SOOO tired, but YOU signed up for it!" I know that. And I'm not bitching. It's as though she has assigned me this punishment which just isn't there. It's as though she wants me to feel like garbage about my life. But that's ok. What happens when this college grad actually gets a real job that requires her to be somewhere by- GASP!- 8 a.m.?

But this has nothing to do with the snide comments she leaves me with as I leave work. My lack of respect and diappointment extends way deeper than that.

She is, simply put, a coward.

When a man collapsed because his heart basically exploded on the ice, she knew it was bad, yet she hid behind the desk, never having to look at the ugliness of it all. She never even set foot out there. She was my "superior" at the time and when they started banging on the glass for help, I looked at her to see what she was going to do (she should have gone out there, I should have called the medics). She just stood there. No gut check moment for her.

So I just went. He was dying by the time I reached him. One of our employees had dropped by to skate and was on the ice, just holding the guys head in his hands.

These big, tough, never-afraid-to-be-asshole hockey players had been reduced to screaming little girls. Picture a bunch of guys standing around screaming "Do something! Do something!" and flapping their hands and that's what they looked like. I asked if anyone knew CPR that could help. They shut up.

See, they don't prepare you in training for what the body actually does when it dies. It's really gross and I will spare the details. I was surprised at how disgusted I felt when I was finally pushed aside by the firefighters.

The off duty emplyee who was on the ice, but totally fear-stricken came off with me and said that he hoped that he never had to see anything like that again. I found out later he had just completed his EMT training.

There was so much bizarness to it all. I've resolved my fate that night. Hell, I never believed in fate until that night. I've made my peace with the fact that I failed. What if I hadn't? What if he got a pulse back, but was a vegetable for the rest of his life?

I learned that the "what ifs?" simply don't exist.

But I haven't resolved my disgust with her. Perhaps I'm jealous. She got off easy. Perhaps I think it should've been her, not me. When things like that happen, the true colors of people are revealed, and what I saw painted an ugly picture. I spoke with her the next day and she sounded completely normal as she headed off to tea with her mom. Go know. This year at CPR training, our instructor brought it up.

"Well thank God I was there. Who knows what could've happened.", she added. What. Someone could've walked off with the drawer? Well, thank God you were there to protect the $200. Someone had to do it, right?

I got up and went to the bathroom.

I don't know why this is my only unresolved issue. When you lose all respect for a person, just like that, it's hard to find it again. Whatever the reason, I need to get over it. I hope one of us finds another job soon.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syd_Barrett
"Roger Keith "Syd" Barrett (January 6, 1946 – July 7, 2006) was an English singer, songwriter, guitarist and artist.
Best remembered as one of the founding members of the group Pink Floyd, Barrett was active as a rock musician for only a few years, before he went into seclusion. His creative legacy and quintessentially English vocal delivery have since proven remarkably influential."

WTF?

This makes me so incredibly sad. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10958641/

Hope you are ok, K.

Meanwhile, in Iraq...

SONG FOR TODAY: Helena, Nickel Creek

What a relief.

So since late alst fall, I have been in a 6-12 (12 pounds at Christmas) pound struggle. Sometimes, I would hover so close to 135 I could taste it, but it would never last. I certainly never felt 135. My highest was 144 after Christmas. I was so disappointed in myself, but relieved at the same time. I had caught it. My complacency fuse didn't seem all that short. So I got to work. I put myself on a 4 day juice fast. It gave me some relief in the sense that I didn't feel like I was carrying around Christmas dinner anymore. My energy went up. It brought back a sense of where I should be food-wise and not where I actually had been. It cleaned my soul as well as my viens. It's so funny. After a juice fast your taste buds are acutely aware of anything you may even think about putting in your mouth. A lot of foods just sound repulsive. When people ask me about my juices, I'm usually met with curiosity (I work on a college campus so it is probably met with a more open mind). My father, who is possibly the healthiest and most educated man in the area of food that I know, thinks it's great. My mother, whose health is a minefied of heart issues, HBP, clots, nerve damage, emphazema (sp?).... thinks it's unhealthy. As do others.

I don't understand. I take 3-4 days every few months to get back to "center", clean the system out and get a nutritional boost and I'm still getting most of my calories. What's the problem?
You can shove a big mac, a quarter pounder w/cheese and a supersized fry (don't forget the milshake) into your mouth, yet there must be something inherently wrong with what I'm doing?

Eh? Enlighten the the holdout member of the fast food nation, Obi Won.

And don't even get me started on the diary council. Since when do cows need a "council"?

So back to post Christmas. I was able to get down to 138 and stay there until late june. I got down to just uner 135, but would fluctuate up to just under 14o. Time to tweak the system a bit. I looked at my breakfast, my largest meal of the day by far. I had figured that since I was up at 3:45 and wokring (or working out) until 12, 1, 2, whatever I ate would need to last me. Well, that turned out to be way too much. I switched it out (egg whites, juice, sometimes some oatmeal) with a green juice and coffee (about 350 calories) and a raw midmorning snack and added working out in the big arena before 7 am. I also started adding jogging to the routine. Not much, but I'm still a baby runner. Hell, I'm not even a runner. I kept my weekend habits the same, but have cut a lot of the soda I treat myself to on Saturday. And I have found, at LAST, a stable weight. I have been at 134/135 for over 2 weeks now. My weight is the same friday, monday, wednesdy. And I've been eating an unusually high (for me, anyway) amount of wholewheat pasta.

And I feel damn good.

So I'm thinking the two main variables at work here is jogging/working out super early has boosted/stabilized my metabolism and I've cut some unneeded calories in the morning (and found some unaccounted ones as well). I think I'm starting to get a hold of this maintaining thing, no?

On the menu for today:

green juice
grande non fat latte
orange
1 egg + 1 egg white
salad- baby greens, red onion, carrots... oh, we'll see when I open the firdge...
leftover whole wheat enirched rotini with vegetable marinara. Might make some turkey meatballs, per Ross.

Hi, My name is Chicken Little.

Awful day at work. One of those days where you do nothing right and you walk out the door on you way to a giant pity party. And it was going so well! My alarm hit 3:45 and I was UP. I was AWAKE. I did an hour of running/walking/stairs in the big arena and for once was motivated. I had a fabulous green juice for breakfast. I had a fabulous salad and steamed veggies waiting for me when I got home. And then this negative forcefield wrapped its ugly claws around my attitude and POOF.

It's been bugging me all afternoon. Today was my fresh start from a long, relaxing, BBQ-filled weekend. I was ready to get back on track. And it gets easier and easier to not stray too far off the reservation. BBQ's happen. Dinners out happen. Keep on, keeping on....

The funny thing? I've done everything I've set out to do today- working out, eating well, I've been on track. So why let it get to me? I don't know.

So my best friend has this picture of me. It's circa late 2003 and no one today can even believe it's me. My face is so squishy you can't see my eyes. My arms are stuck out so far to accommodate my girth that I'm surprised my shoulders didn't stretch. There is no mistake. I was obese.

I was the fat friend. And this is my fattest picture. And when I get it back this weekend, I'm going to post it. I'm not sure what to do with it beyond that, though. I threw out my old clothes down to my old undies. I don't require physical reminders. I was in denial about how truly big I got, but I certainly remember how awful I felt. And I get truly worried. What happens when I have children? Is it going to come piling back on + some? Is this my short stint in rehab before I'm tossed out on the street again?

I would love to go for a run, but it looks as though the great flood is coming upon us any moment. Ever since the start of summer, I have wanted no part in the gym. This is good. It's making me run, which is turning into something I'm..........enjoying........

Old people be smokin' some DOPE

So I had my first Pearl Jam experience on Saturday.

This is a band that was my "first" band. It was the first band (other than New Kids On The Block, which no one counts anyway) that I attached myself to as "my own". No one exposed me to them but the Grand Junction rock station. Jeremy, Daughter, Oceans, Black, Alive.... All were on a constant spin on my tape player/radio.

Then Dave came along. PJ was still on heavy rotation, but I evolved (or regressed, depending on what side of the music fence you sit on) into a musician myself, and DMB walked me through the process.

The show itself was impressive. In fact, it reminded me of Dave Matthews shows with the big fan section (who looked like dave fans), the "let me share my neverending knowledge of how many times Bee Girl has been played on either side of the Mississippi" fan talk, and, of COURSE, the drunk soccer moms. Can't forget them. The pure loudness at which they shout out requests makes it difficult to ignore them. I felt right at home. I also rekindled my romance with PJ after the years of teen angst that they saw me through. They played several radio songs and I can see how that may have disappointed the regulars, but for a first timer like me, I didn't mind. And we were in the fifth row. And Eddie Vedder is still hot. Way hot.

Also worth mentioning is the Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers Act that followed. I don't seem to remember a time in my childhood where TP wasn't on a mixed tape somewhere in my mom's car. Hell, "Learning To Fly" was my class song (the true meaning didn't escape the graduates, but the parents thought it was precious that we chose a "oldie" artists).

Even though the show was good, Tom was able to remain on 2 feet (for most of it, at least), and his band is an amazing collection of music that he has more or less been able to hang on to for the better part of 30 years, it all seemed to fall apart for me somehwere after Running Down A Dream. This is the risk you take going to shows. Especially big ticket ones like this.

1. Tom was HIGH AS A KITE. Had to rest on the piano at times. He's losing his touch. Normally, I'm all for drugs and music, but it just made him look like some burned out rock star. No Tom, walk towards the light.

2. The soccer moms. The drunk soccer moms. It's funny how the older you get, the less you can hold your liquor and the less attractive you look with a couple of beers in you. I understand that your busy lives only facilitate one outing a year and the only token that remains of your younger, wilder days is the red mouth tattoo (a-la Rolling Stones) fading on your left ass cheek, but certain behaviors aren't acceptable inside a concert venue. They've never been acceptable.
A. Screaming at a concert is fine. It's even expected (especially from you). Shouting out your undying love for the artist doesn't bother me. The "WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO" drone doesn't bother me either. The song requests do. Shouting "Top Of The World" at the Top of Your Lungs in between EVERY SONG doesn't work. It never has. Do you honestly think Tom Petty/Mick Jagger/Sting/ whoever you listen to will drop the setlist him and his band spent hours fighting over (drawing blood at times) because some drunk lady in the crowd is screaming like a banshee? If he plays it, he plays it because it was on the setlist. If he doesn't, it's obviously because God hates you.

PLAY SOME FREEEEEEEEBIRD!

3. Tom was LIP SYNCHING. Look, I understand that that's just the way it is. 30 years of performing can make the chorus of "Free Fallin" a little arduous, but I can't help but be little bummed when you pay $100 for a concert ticket and Tom Petty can barely move his mouth.

But I love concerts. LOVE them. When I ended my classical training and stopped gigging regularly, I worried that every musical experience would be a painful reminder of the life on the fringe I had always imagined but gave up. But the opposite has happened. I love music just as I always had. But the itch is still there, not to be the show, but to run the show. When I go to concerts I think and think and think about everything. Ross noticed it too. About the entry habits of the band. About the security guards and whether or not they are doing their jobs. About that fabulous smell of cannabis that engulfs the venue the second the lights go down. About the lack of sobriety of the artist and how much they can take. Perhaps that's what worked with Clear Channel, that despite all the ridiculousness of corporate media, it exposed me to a branch of the business where I could carve out a home. I have since decided to submit my resume to production companies and promoters, starting with Bonaroo's. I mean, who doesn't need a bitch? I'm definitely qualified.